What Oscar Pistorius' killing of Reeva Steenkamp can teach us about dating abuse, power, and control.

Note: a person charged with a crime is considered innocent until proven guilty in the eyes of the law. The burden is on the State to prove the guilt of that person; they are otherwise presumed to be not guilty. This prohibition against presumed guilt on the part of the Government, while necessary for an equitable criminal justice system, does not extend to a private citizen's personal beliefs.

I believe that Oscar Pistorius murdered Reeva Steenkamp and this essay is premised on that belief.

The murder of Reeva Steenkamp by Oscar Pistorius is many things but first, and foremost, it is an absolute tragedy. Not only is it a tragedy for Reeva who showed so much promise to make a positive impact on the world but it is also a tragedy for her friends and family who will feel her absence for the rest of their lives.

Although it would never be acceptable to believe that "something good" could come from Reeva's death, it does present a teaching opportunity for discussing abusive relationships and I will do this with as much respect for Reeva and her loved ones as I can.

There are several warning signs that Oscar Pistorius had problems:

Problems with honesty.
Problems with entitlement.
Problems with anger.
Problems with power and control.

Identifying and discussing these warning signs will serve to increase awareness about abusers to prevent future tragedies. Please realize that this does not in any way fault or blame Reeva or her support group of friends and famly if they did not recognize Pistorius as an abuser. We now have a perspective which is wholly different from theirs - we are looking at Pistorius from a great distance - we have access to information gleaned from countless reports and interviews from around the world - we have the luxury of looking at this tragedy with an emotional distance not available to the dating partner of an abuser.

I too have had to look back at an abusive relationship to understand how things could go so terribly wrong. In 2006 my teenage daughter was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. It is in her name and memory that I founded and am the exective director of a NGO dedicated to preventing dating violence.

First: A Myth Dispelled

People continue to believe the myth that intimate partner violence (IPV) only happens to people who are at a socioeconomic disadvantage (read: poor and uneducated). This is absolutely untrue, IPV is an equal opportunity problem which can affect anybody regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status.

Reeva Steenkamp had a Bachelor of Laws degree and was a successful young woman. Like Rihanna, Halle Berry, Nigella Lawson, Madonna, Robin Givens, Nicole Brown (and the list goes on), Reeva was successful and enjoyed some degree of celebrity-status; she was not "financially trapped" or otherwise limited by poverty or lack of education but was nonetheless abused by her partner. Likewise, abusers come from all walks of life. Abusers like Mike Tyson, Charlie Sheen, Chad Ochocinco, Chris Brown, Charles Saatchi (and again the list goes on) all have successful careers but nonetheless have records of abusing their partners.

It is time that we acknowledge that IPV is not a problem for "those people" but instead is a problem for all people. By believing otherwise not only are we fooling ourselves - but worse - we are further stigmatizing victims of IPV.

Oscar Pistorius: warning signs

History of legal or discipline problems.

According to court testimony Pistorius has a history of illegally discharging firearms.
Local police revealed that police had previously been to Pistorius' house for incidents "of a domestic nature."
Pistorius was arrested and charged with assault after slamming a door on a 19-year-old woman with whom he had argued.

History of violent behavior.

According to court testimony Pistorius responded to admonishment from a police officer by firing a gun through the sunroof of his car.
A former girlfriend testified that “[Pistorius] has screamed at me, my sister, my best friend, another friend, and his best friend.”

Threatens others regularly.

Pistorius threatened to break the legs of a man he believed to be in a relationship with his then-girlfriend.
Pistorius once jumped out of a car and held a gun to the window of a car which he believed was following him.

Does not accept responsibility for his actions.

After illegally discharging a firearm in a restaurant Pistorius convinced a friend to take the blame.
After losing at the Paralympics, Pistorius refused to accept responsibility for losing the race. Instead he blamed his victor's blade length for giving him an unfair advantage: "... you can’t compete (with the) stride length ... we aren’t racing a fair race.”
Former police officer said about Pistorius that "his P.R. machine was very good and covered up his few indiscretions."
Within hours of Reeva Steenkamp's murder Pistorius was on the phone with a public relations expert. His website was quickly redesigned to further bolster his public persona.
Pistorius is "acting out" in court in an attempt to solicit sympathy and shift focus. During courtroom testimony Pistorius is:
- placing his fingers in his ears;
- holding his head;
- sobbing; and
- retching.
Despite offers to halt testimony, Pistorius and his defense team have asked to proceed. Seemingly this is so Pistorius can persist with his behavior in a hope he will be seen as "the tragic figure" rather than as "the controlling abuser."

My hope is that Pistorius is found guilty and that his defense team do not subject Reeva Steenkamp's loved ones to more pain and anguish than they've already had to endure.

If you recognize any warning signs of abuse in your relationship or the relationship of a friend or family member please seek help. This tragedy is a reminder that IPV is a problem that can affect anybody regardless of their socioeconomic status, fame, or social standing. Although it is too late to save Reena Steenkamp - and too late to save my daughter - I hope that it is not too late to save the loved ones in your life.

ABOUT Jennifer Ann’s Group

Jennifer Ann’s Group is a non-profit, 501(c)(3) organization preventing teen dating violence through awareness, education, and advocacy. The organization has been instrumental in the passing of legislation mandating teen dating violence awareness in schools and has distributed over 1/2 million free educational materials to schools, churches, and other organizations throughout the U.S. and U.K. at no cost to the recipients.

On February 15 2006, Jennifer Ann Crecente - a high school senior - was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Jennifer was an honor roll student in high school, a camp counselor, a hospital volunteer, and participated in community theatre with her dad. Jennifer Ann’s Group is run by her father.